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April 11, 2005
How to Travel: A Three-Part Tutorial
Part I: Stockholm to Newark on SAS
Unzip the turquoise Gulf Air flight kit a friend gave you and pull out yellow foam ear plugs and turquoise ear phones. Stuff the foam plugs as deeply into your ears as possible. Put on the ear phones and plug them into the arm rest. Find the Classical Light channel and adjust it to full volume. Put on your turquoise eye mask to block terror-producing glimpses of airplane parts that move during flight.
As the plane prepares to take off, run through your repertoire of calming slogans:
Airplanes sound like this during takeoff.
Everything is normal.
It’s not fun if you can’t feel it.
Remember to exhale and inhale and exhale again before passing out. When a loud ping indicates that seat belts are no longer required, keep your belt on but relax for the next several hours. Panic at seven hours into the eight-and-a-half-hour flight when the plane descends abruptly. Return internal organs to their proper positions as pilot explains that unexpected 150-knot winds caused the dip. Refuse to join Swedish passengers in mild chuckles of relief. As pilot prepares to land, tighten seatbelt to create 25-inch hips and brace feet against floor. Crank up music again in hopes of drowning out sounds of inevitable crash landing. After wheels hit ground, unclench jaw, open eyes, embrace rush of gratitude for yet another miraculous escape from near-certain death.
Part 2: Newark to Salt Lake City on Delta
Frantically try to locate soothing classical music. Settle for Beatles channel. Curse Delta for inexplicable dead air during most taxing part of takeoff. Bitterly regret decision to leave newly purchased copy of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life in Brooklyn and wonder if the breathing exercise supposedly contained in the book actually quells anxiety as advertised. Begin emergency calming action by visualizing a rushing river. Silently chant "yellow raft on blue water" over and over and over. When Beatles channel restarts, start breathing again. Rue the banality of your fear. Bemoan your lack of originality. Exhausted, give up berating yourself and relax until angst-ridden landing.
Part 3: Salt Lake City to Grand Junction on Sky West
Wonder how twenty passengers can fit into an airplane the size of a bath toy. Feel dismay deepen at realization there is no music system to ease nerve-wracking ascent. Stuff ears with foam, cover ears with hands, close eyes, then do best Bill Gates impression by moaning slightly and rocking from side to side. Marvel that foam-and-hand combination blocks out much of the engine roar but none of the loud, annoying chatter by a woman who speaks nonstop for the entire 45-minute flight to a man you think is her husband but turns out to be a saintly stranger named Richard.
Have your fears about small planes confirmed as toy vehicle lurches or staggers or stutters or whatever the hell it is that balsa-and-rubber-band concoctions do after they’re wound up and spun off. Miss your husband and daughter very much and wonder what kind of memorial service they will give you. Regret inability to document pithy last words. Recall recent trip to water park and imagine daughter on lap. In your mind’s eye, the two of you rush down a water slide, squealing. The image makes you laugh. The plane shudders and your smile flickers briefly but does not disappear. "It’s no fun if you can’t feel it," you tell yourself. And, for a moment, you believe it.
Optional Travel Accessories
*Six genial laughing gals, middle-aged New Jersey residents and members of Outdoor Singles on their way to a Hawaiian cruise.
*A thirteen-month-old baby with tiny, perfect teeth and a solemn way of shaking her head in agreement with anything you say.
*Two tiny blue flowers your dad plucks from his front yard and hands you in the car on the way to the airport. Once there, he gives you a big hug goodbye. Your dad is nearly 75 and still handsome. His white hair is straight and hangs past his shoulders. His head is obscured by the Sheraton baseball cap you gave him the first day in Grand Junction. He's worn it nonstop ever since. "Come again," your dad says, and grins. "Next time, bring lots of money."
Posted by Deborah Branscum at April 11, 2005 09:25 AM
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