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March 14, 2006
How to Comfort an American Wife
Say good morning to wife, the wife from Northern California who complained last night that her waist has been crimped by wool tights, long underwear, or long pajamas 24/7 since late October.
Blithely ignore fact that previous efforts to cheer her up about Swedish winter ended in near disaster. In bold, evasive maneuver, pick up morning paper just before she reaches it and read aloud from article on weather. Shield page so wife cannot read potentially alarming headline: “March May Be Coldest Since 1942.”
Point out, helpfully, that there has been only 78 days of snow and ice on the ground in Stockholm this year, nothing like the record 149 days of snow and ice during the winter of 1969. Notice wife wincing. This, add quickly, means snow started falling much, much earlier in 1969, not that there is potentially eight more weeks of ice and snow destined for Stockholm this year.
Point out, helpfully, that the average temperature this month has been a piddling -6.4° Celsius, nowhere near the record-setting -9.6°C average of the especially chilly winter of 1942. Skip over parts of article that mention long underwear, cold front over the weekend, and effect of ice layer on overall temperatures. (No point in reminding wife that ice build-up at back entrance of apartment building makes it impossible to fully open building door.)
Put on thick parka over warm clothes and kiss distracted wife goodbye. As you leave apartment, notice wife gazing out the window. She has spotted seagulls on the roof of the building across the courtyard. They remind her of the seagulls in San Francisco and the East Bay. The birds have been missing for months, and now they're back.
Your wife smiles.
Posted by Deborah Branscum at March 14, 2006 11:21 AM